Tips for Making Babies

Probably more than you ever wanted to know. Definitely NSFW.

2024 promises to be a year of chaos, doom, and gloom, but I wanted to kick the year off on a positive note.

I generally have two rules:

1. I don’t talk about sex with anyone but my wife.

2. I don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for.

However, whenever someone mentions that they’re having trouble conceiving, I will ask if they’d like some pointers, and if they agree, I offer a few. I feel qualified for a few reasons:

1. I have three children, so clearly I’m doing something right in that regard.

2. Shortly before I was married, a doctor told me I was infertile. Either he was a total quack (likely) or I’m just extra skilled at producing children.

3. I know my tips have worked for at least one person!

In the interest of helping those too embarrassed to ask, and for the sake of not having to type this stuff out over and over, I’m sharing my baby-making tips here.

My advice assumes a couple of things:

• That you are a typical heteronormative married couple. One man, one woman. It might work for you if you don’t match that to a “T,” but that is the intended audience.

• That everything is more or less working as it should. I’m not a medical professional and this is not medical advice. If you have a legitimate medical condition, this post won’t help you much.

Fair warning, this post will be explicit about things between husbands and wives. (Sorry to family and friends who subscribe.) I’m pretty uncomfortable publishing this, but I do so as a public service. However, I am putting it behind a paywall for the sake of minimizing embarrassment.